HSG - Everythings OK

Well, I am on CD12 today. If my cycles are back to normal than I should ovulate in a couple of days, Friday to be exact. Dave and I are not trying this cycle, but it seems like such a waste. I know that we both are not ready yet for me to be pregnant as we have too many things to get done that I will not be able to once I am pregnant.

I had my hsg yesterday and the doctor said everything looked fine. That was such a relief to me as I was afraid they would find something wrong. It was such a fiasco at first though. I filled out the paperwork when I got there, then a couple minutes later the lady said they did not fax over the right paperwork. I said my insurance approved it. So she calls a couple people and they all said they were going to fax over the referral. Well, one lady faxed over the same thing they had. Finally, a half hour later someone with a brain finally faxed over the right papers. I would have been so upset if I could not of gotten the test done that day, as I would have had to wait another month and I really did not want to do that. The test itself was not that bad, I will spare you the details. It was kind of neat to watch the dye fill up in my uterus and into my tubes.

On another note, it is sad to realize that I would have been 30 weeks on the date that I had my HSG done. I should be having my baby in 10 weeks. Well, I cannot change that now. I have to just keep holding onto the faith that my next baby will make it.

What I have Learned!!

I have learned several things as a result of my losses. First, I have learned never to take pregnancy or getting pregnant for granted. Before I even started trying to conceive I thought it would be easy to get pregnant and once I was nothing would go wrong. Well, I have been lucky in that it has not been that difficult for me to get pregnant. I feel so bad for women who try for years and have no luck with getting pregnant. It breaks my heart all these women go through to have a baby, while some people who do not even want children can get pregnant just by blowing on them. You know what I mean when I say that, just that they are extremely fertile. I just do not know how that is fair.

Ever since I lost my first baby I have never taken for granted that just because I am pregnant that it will result in a healthy baby after 40 weeks. I probably will never see 40 weeks (due to ptl and cervix issues) with a pregnancy. When I got pregnant with my first baby I never thought I would loose a baby or that anything could go wrong, so when it did I was a shock. For my second pregnancy, I never took for granted any moment that I was pregnant. I was very happy to be pregnant and enjoyed every ache, pain, and sickness that came with pregnancy. Sure I complained a little, as my heartburn was murder, but I did not complain that much. I know that when I got pregnant again I will never complain about anything during my pregnancy, I will never say things like geez I am only 6 weeks or whatever, I will never say I cannot believe I have this many weeks left. Instead I will be saying o.k. I am 20 weeks, 21 weeks, 22 weeks, etc. I will embrace every week that I am pregnant as a gift from god. It is such a miracle to have a baby growing inside of you, a miracle that should always be treasured.

I have also learned that you never know what will happen in life, as you could die the next day or your life could be turned upside down by an event. I learned this when I was on bedrest in the hospital. With this in mind I have started doing things that I keep putting off as there was always tomorrow. Well, there might not be so I figured I should do all these things that I wanted to do now. Not saying that you should go and do anything extravagant, just those little projects such are refinishing a dresser or painting that needs to get done.

I learned that my family is wonderful and I can always count on them. When I was on the strict bedrest in the hospital my mother and husband were always there with me. They would do everything they could for me, even emptying my bedpan. When I came home they still took care of me until I was able to do things for myself. My sister, aunt, and other family members also called me frequently to see how I was doing. If I did not have them I do not know if I would have gotten through everything as well as I did. I treasure every moment I have with them and let them know how much I love them.

I have learned so much more, but I will end this for now. Stay tuned.

Where is my period?

This seems like such a strange question to be asking when for so long I never wanted to see her. It has been 40 days since the stillbirth and still no sign of her. For a girl that normally has 28 day cycles this is the pits. I think that she should be here by next weekend due to the pattern my temperatures are starting to take, by being a little higher, but that still is another 7-9 days away. It is so amazing when you are trying to conceive how you never want to see her, but if you need her to show up in order to start trying to conceive again you cannot wait to see her.

How Did I Get Here Part II?

I was sitting anxiously in the exam room, as it was taking the NP forever to get the room. When she finally came in the room and examined me, she called for the doctor right away. I knew that was not a good sign and I got a huge lump in my throat. I looked at my husband through teary eyes, knowing something was terribly wrong. I was just thinking how is something going wrong again, how can this happen. The doctor came in and said he saw my bag of water. At that point I just lost it, I could no longer control the tears. My husband started to cry as well. I was just in such disblelief that this was happening. We were told to go to the hospital. While my husband got the car they wheeled me outside. I felt like a train had hit me. It was like I was living a horrible nightmare. The worst part was we were going to the hospital during rush hour, so we were stuck in traffic, which made the trip that much longer. I tried to keep good thoughts in my head, but it was very difficult. I just wanted to know why is this happening again.

We finally got to the hospital and they immediately put me in the trelenberg (sorry the spelling is wrong) position in hopes that the bag of water would receed enough, so they could put a cerclege in. I was also put on antibiotics and an IV. I also got to see my little one on the ultrasound; there she was so beautiful. I could not eat or drink anything, just in case they could put the cerclege in. Well, after 24 hours (at this point I was starving) my cervix was better, but it was still too risky to put the cerclege in. They decided to give me options on what to do at this point. I could stay on strict bed rest and see what happens or I could choose to go into labor. I was thinking labor, what kind of option is that, that would definitely mean I would loose my baby. I had to do everything I could to keep this little one inside of me. I knew that my prospects were not good, but I had to try. What I did not know at the time was that the chief OB basically gave me no chance to carry this baby to where it would be viable. He had told this to my uncle during a conversation a few days later. The reason the chief OB came to this decision most likely was due to my ultrasound results.

I was transfered to the high risk department and was on strict bed rest. Strict bed rest means you do everything in bed, even go to the bathroom. Let me tell you what an experience going to the bathroom in bed is and having someone have to empty your bed pan. I had to learn how to eat and drink on my side or back as those were the only two positions I could get into. They would check your vitals several times a day and I would get to hear my precious baby's heartbeat everyday. It was amazing to hear her heartbeating so much. My mother would come and help me with my sponge baths and wash my hair with waterless shampoo. My husband was there every day after work and would stay the night with me on Saturdays. He was so amazing to me during this time and it made me love him even more. I had my first ultrasound while I was there on the 20th of April. I got to see my perfect little girl. The amniotic fluid was low and my cervix measured at 3.0, but it was 100% effassed. My next ultrasound was in a week, my amniotic fluid level was lower, and my cervix was measuring at 2.6. Things were going fine until Sunday night on May 1st. I started to feel contractions at around 8:00 or so, they hooked me up to the monitor and I was having small contractions. When I first told my husband it feels like I am having contractions, he was like no you are joking. It did feel like a joke after 2 weeks of laying here and everything was fine. I really had to pee and I thought I was peeing, but realized that it was my bag of water, as since it did not have a tear in it, it did not pop like it did last time. I got hooked back up to my IV and received antibiotics and had blood drawn. Then the doctor came in with the wonderful news that I had an infection and that my WBC levels were at 18 very high. So I had to deliver. I was put in the same room as before. I was in extcrushiating pain, got some relief with pain medicine. At 7:45 a.m. on May 2nd I gave birth to my wonderful little girl, who did not survive the birthing process. My husband and I held her for a long time, she was pefect in every way.

How Did I Get Here?

I sit and wonder what has happened over the past year and a half and wonder why did all this happen to me. Since I am starting this blog now, I will start by telling my story. My husband and I decided to start to try to conceive our first child in September of 2003. We both were so excited. This was before the days of me temping, charting my cycle, and driving myself crazy with if I was pg or not. I got pg in December of 2003 with a due date of September 28, 2004. We were so excited and hopeful for the future. We found out we were having a little boy. My husband was extremely excited about this, rubbing it in the face of a friend of his who has two girls. Little did we know how our world was about to change. On Mother's Day 2004, I started to have some cramping (or what I thought was cramping). I had this throughout the day. I went to sleep only to wake up to my water breaking at midnight. I called the doctor and was told to go to the hospital. I was so scared and petrified, as I was only 20 weeks pregnant. The whole way to the hospital I kept saying to myself that everything will be alright, it has to be, when deep down in my heart I knew it was not. By the time I got to the hospital I started to bleed, definitely not a good sign. When they examined me, they said my son's little feet were in the birth canal. The flood gate of tears just started and I could not stop them. I was taken into a birthing room, the special birthing room away from everyone else, the one for mother's like me, who are going to give birth to a baby who will not make it. I had my husband call my mother as I needed her there with me as well. My labor was pushed along with pitocin. On May 10th early in the morning I gave bith to my little boy. My husband was so upset he could only look at him, but could not hold him. I was in the state of shock, it was like I was not even there. I went home the same day to spend the next couple of weeks trying to deal with everything. Not an easy task.

When my husband and I started ttc again we were scared, but still hoping for everything to be alright. Well, I found out a few days after Christmas that I was pregnant again with a due date in September again, but the beginning of September again. Let me tell you this scared the crap out of both of us. I have some spotting early on in my pg, like last time but nothing scary. Everything was going great. I had a ultrasound done by a high risk sonographer who said everything is great with the baby, but that the amniotic fluid was low. Little did we know that would be the least of our problems. We were so happy and were sure that this one would make it. This one was even stubborn and every time we tried to find out the sex she was bashful. We just knew it was a girl. Well, on April 17th, I started having a different type of discharge, thick and mucous like. I was scared because it reminded me of when I lost the mucous plug with the last one. On Monday, I called the doctor and they said to come in. Well, that was when my entire life changed. I will continue this story in my next entry as this has gotten long enough.